illusion of safety

and they come really slow, with a funny ratio of 10 sadness for each smile. The more I seek, the more I search, the less it becomes apparent to me. And when I thought it’s gone, from above I’m sent a new thing to be happy for. But life’s taken for granted, when good thing arrives, I expect it to stay the same (if not better). So I try to keep life as simple as I could, guidelines and all, but nevertheless a scratch can never be avoided; by myself, by the people around me, or by the people I love.

And pesimism brings happiness, because looking up is much better when I’ve looked down for so long. Is this positive? Is this constructive? I don’t know, I wish do. But life is different to every individual; different kind of happiness, threshold for pain. If I’m weak, I may be dead long time ago. If I’m strong, I shouldn’t feel like looking down so I could look at the sky one time.

The more I know, the more I’m hurt, but the more I realize. It happens times and again, yet I don’t stop. Truth hurts. Truth ALWAYS hurts, but happiness doesn’t. You’ve heard it all before… "Ok here’s the truth…" "The truth is…" "I know it sucks, but it’s the truth man."

Does truth ever come in good form?

Yeah, I may be playing with terminology, but think about it and realize it yourself. Happiness doesn’t come in truth. Happiness comes in beauty, smile, warmth, understanding, and control. Yes, control. When you know you have a sense of control over something you’d like to control, happiness is a blessing. And you won’t hear the word "truth" in it.

You won’t hear it.

And as I feel it, happiness comes in pieces and intervaled by truth. Numerous of them. But one day (they’ve happened several times, though which is good to keep me awake), when happiness and joy are solid enough to remind me that I AM in control of my life, they become permanent. And I become introspective, realizing that I have never, ever had to be sad for anything. As troubles tide in to fuck up with my life, I remember that happiness exists and I should look back to understand one thing:

I’ve been there before, and once again I’m tested, but I’ll make it through again.

Even if they come in pieces, hell I’ll engage with my smile and wait for it to be solid.

Well… I’m back to this unbelievably hot place, Cyberjaya. Shit I’m so sick of this bs, it’s such a contrast to Bekasi. I came here 2 nights ago, and it was (as funny as it may sound) like a culture shock to see how SILENT and DEAD this place is. It’s so comparable because just the day before, me and some of the most fun people on earth were out going nuts in Jakarta, seeing animals (!!), eating at warteg, messing up with dragqueens (!!!!), all on motorbikes. It was so awesome. And to top off the night, we had a band session and a little late night get together (we’ve actually been together since 8 o’clock in the morning, but what the hell.. another 4 hours wouldn’t hurt). Anyways, I should stop complaining, cus in the end I would still have to go through this.

I have so many things I wanna do this year, but I don’t think I can (and shouldn’t) do them all. I know myself with my confusion of priorities. So yea, about priorities… on top, what we have here ladies and gentlemen, is to do good with my internship, come out in one piece, and continue on to the final sem here so I can get the fuck outta this place and move somewhere else. Reminder: NOT that I hate this place, some wonderful people live here, but I’ve finally found the good stuff in interior design yipeekaiyay motherfucker. Ah yes, who would’ve thought?

Magic? Well, it’s not apparent that EVERY SINGLE TIME (with the exception of winter 2004) I went for vacation in Jakarta, I SORTA neglected magic and its siblings (flourishes, whatnot). It’s always like that: started out good, and by the end of the vacation, my mind’s pretty much out of the god damn thing. And what in the world could replace the position of beautiful magic? You fucking guessed it: HARDCOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRREEEE!!! Or music, your pick. But yea, I’m not ashamed to say it but I guess now I found emo to be KINDA alright. Several bands do have some good sound. I’m so in love with Saosin right now (don’t throw that shoe at me, I know they’re not hardcore, but uhm they’re good). Hardcore wise, I’m pretty much stuck with the same old stuff. Bane, Hatebreed, Bleeding Through, etc the stuff that’s fun to listen and to mosh to.

I REALLY wanna start a proper band here. I know some of my friends would be a part of this, so what we need would be another guitarist AND a vocalist. We’ll play hardcore metal like there’s no tomorrow. Ah yes… the beautiful and the sublime moshpit.

Anyhoo, I’m sure there’s more to type, but it happens again. My mind turns blank. Hahahaha well, that was the rant of the day which can be summarized into 4 points:

1. Bekasi was great. Could be better (what couldn’t be?), but it was amazing nonetheless.

2. Interior design is becoming more fun and fun. Hopefully I could use this time wisely to be good in college.

3. I wanna start a band.

4. I love magic, but well… as much as I love you man, there’s time and place for everything.

That’s all!

ps. I’m fine and dandy, if you’re reading